The night was cold and quiet. My husband and 2-month-old daughter slept soundly in the next room, while I sat at my desk, triple-checking that everything was ready to go, unable to shake the nagging feeling that I had missed something despite months of preparation. There I was, on the cusp of fulfilling a dream, almost two decades in the making.
At the stroke of midnight on December 5th 2023, my debut novel finally went live.
It was a surreal feeling. I finally did it. I had published a novel and put it out there for the world to see. It was both invigorating and petrifying. Closing my laptop, my sleep deprived, post-birth riddled body meandered to bed, but my mind was too wired to rest. It could have been nerves, or the fact that I had accomplished something so wonderful, and yet, I quietly celebrated alone. Despite the relief, I also felt... aimless. To have worked so long and hard on a passion project, and to see it come to fruition in the stillness of that December night, was bittersweet.
Of course, friends and family would come to me later and congratulate me, and that helped to fill my depleted writer's cup. Still, there was something oddly comforting about being alone at the precise moment my novel was published, as backward as that sounds. Writing is often a solitary endeavor. How fitting that, in solitude, I would see it through to the end. Now that The Rending's been available to the public for the last seven months, I've had a chance to reflect on the journey that led me here, and how much I learned in the process of publishing my first novel.
Good things take time.
I started the first draft of The Rending during NaNoWriMo 2017. It wasn't published until December 2023. From writing out the first words of the prologue to clicking publish, the process took almost exactly six years. It might have taken less time if I had known it would be the project I'd put out first. But, after drafting the novel, I worked on other ideas for a few years before finally deciding The Rending would be my first book to publish. Part of me wondered if I should've waited so long. But as I delved into the self-publishing journey, I found myself thankful that I could return to the story with fresh eyes and an arsenal of new writing skills I had picked up along the way. Perhaps as I publish more books and become more comfortable with the process, I'll be able to write and publish faster (as life permits). But I never want to rush my art if I can help it. And I don't want to shirk my responsibility to create a quality product.
Editing is expensive, but so worth it.
When I first considered publishing in earnest, my biggest hurdle was how I could afford the services needed to produce the quality I so deeply desired, namely, editing services. At first, I believed I'd do a brief google search and send a few inquiring emails before I discovered an editor. But instead, I found myself bent over my desk, my head buried in my hands, reluctantly embracing the reality of the situation; I could never afford—let alone justify—spending 3K plus on editing services. After venting my frustrations to my husband, he recommended giving Fiverr a try. I understand that not everyone wants to hire a freelancer, as sifting through the legitimate profiles and the scammers can be a time-consuming hassle. But I was desperate. If I was ever going to see my book in print, I had to find an editor who was affordable and willing to work alongside me, so they could help me see what I simply couldn't. When you're so close to your own story, that outside perspective is vital. Having a professional show you how to polish a manuscript is invaluable. So it was non-negotiable for me. But before I ever thought about hiring an editor, I asked people I knew to read and give feedback.
Brainstorming Buddies Lend Life to the Writing Process.
Whether you have a large circle of friends or just a single critique partner, having someone you can bounce ideas off of when the momentum has slowed can be a lifesaver. I can't tell you the number of times I asked for help on any given scene or plot point, and more often than not, my brainstorming buddy presented a solution, offering a perspective that I just couldn't see before. In the same way as with working with an editor, sometimes you're just too close to the story and need fresh eyes (and the best part is, a brainstorming buddy won't charge you). With so much invested, it's all too easy to become paralyzed by the need for perfection. This was something I had to convince myself of while in the trenches of editing. I came to realize I could edit this book literally until the day I die, and I would still find things to improve upon. So, I had to tell myself...
It's never going to be perfect.
That is the most liberating and terrifying revelation an indie author can come to, especially when mere days away from publishing. There were several occasions when I was tempted to put it off. I questioned my ability as a writer and my willpower to see this thing through, all while a pregnancy and the challenges of daily life mounted each day. But I was determined, and to help me get there, I adopted a new mindset...
Keep showing up, even when it's hard.
And, boy, was it hard. The physical exhaustion, the burnout, the self-doubt... there were times I seriously considered extending my deadline, despite being so close to the finish line. But I pushed through, and by the end of it, I was proud of all the work I had poured into this book. And I was elated I finally got to share it with others. My novel may not be the trendiest thing out there right now, but what little feedback I've received tells me that people, many of them strangers, have enjoyed it. That means all my hard work has paid off. Perhaps not monetarily, but I didn't write The Rending for the money. I get more joy from a satisfied reader than from a handful of royalties, anyway.
Are there things I would have done differently if I could go back? Probably. But I'm not dwelling on that. Yeah, I made some mistakes, but I also learned a lot. The bottom line is The Rending was my gateway to a dream fulfilled. What more could I ask for?
I suppose now, as an officially published indie author, that original dream has only expanded and evolved to encompass all the other ideas I plan to one day share with people, and I hope those people stick around to help me build a community of readers and writers who are as passionate as I am about my stories.
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